Fatherhood - It's About Time

Leading Time Management Author Offers Advice to Fathers

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PROVO, Utah, May 29, 1997 -- As Father's Day approaches, many men are reflecting on how they can be better fathers. Achieving balance between work and family is a struggle for many fathers and requires more than just scheduling.

"As fathers, we sometimes got into a schedule-efficiency mode," says Roger Merrill, co-author of First Things First with Stephen R. Covey and Rebecca Merrill. "We carry our planner home from work and try to schedule a few key events in the life of a child, all the while thinking 'been there, done that,'" says Merrill. "While showing up is good, events are not a substitute for the thousands of little interactions that take place between events. Life is what happens between events."

Says Merrill, "We work hard to make it to the events in the lives of our children, thinking that communicates love and support. And, to some extent, it does. But children growing up in this environment never really learn the confidence and inner strength that comes from being loved 'just because you're you.' So much of what forms individual character and a beautiful family culture comes from thousands of mundane moments of living when it's 'just the family.'

"Planning and scheduling can be a great tool to help fathers protect and create family time, but there can be pitfalls," says Merrill, "Be careful not to fall victim to the 'event trap' -- games, performances and parties are sometimes the easiest to schedule. They fit in, just like a meeting or appointment at work. Attendance can show love and support. But if we don't schedule time to just 'be there,' we end up teaching that it takes an 'event' to get Dad's attention."

Merrill advises us to remember that people are more important than schedules. "A schedule cannot create quality time; it can only help create the possibility," he says. "Sometimes we get into an efficiency mode, treating people like 'things.' On the job it is less effective; at home it is devastating. Some things just cannot be scheduled. You can't say, 'Okay, at 8:30 tonight we will have a spontaneous interaction and have a great teaching moment.' One young child, watching his dad plan in his planner, said, 'Dad what's that?' 'This is where I plan and organize the important things in my life,' the father replied. 'Dad,' the boy said, 'Am I in your planner?'"

Merrill cautions us that treating family members as 'one more thing' to get into the day will never produce the level of love and trust necessary for communication and influence during times of stress and trial. "On the job we excuse ourselves for being short, over efficient and dictatorial because 'business is business' and, worst case, people will just go somewhere else. At home our excuse is 'They'll understand.' And they do ... and they, too, go somewhere else."

Merrill provides some suggestions to help fathers:

• Schedule time to just "be together" as a family or to be with individual family members. Decide together what you are going to do during that time. The point is the time together is more important than the activity. The relationship provides meaning and purpose.
  
  
• Plan together. Spend a few moments once a week with the family. Together, consider the big things you are doing this week. A few minutes can help each family member feel a part of each other's lives. Awareness breeds understanding and unity. Share some of the results of the past week -- what were good experiences? What was challenging? Family members can learn from each other and teach each other, and the interaction creates the feeling, "We are a family who does things" rather than "We are a bunch of individuals who live together." Involvement in each other's lives is what gives life meaning.
  
  

Roger Merrill is vice president and a founding member of Covey Leadership Center. He is a well-known authority in time management and leadership and co-author of First Things First, author of Connections-Quadrant II Time Management and a contributing author to Principle-Centered Leadership.

CONTACT: Debra Lund, 801-342-6262, or Cherell Jordin,
801-342-6263, both of Covey Leadership Center