Preparing Parents: Middle School Years Time of Tumult and Change For Tweens, Teens and Their Families

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Kaiser Permanente of the Mid-Atlantic States

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The back-to-school rush is on. It's time for shopping sprees for school supplies and polishing summer assignments. Anticipation is especially rampant for those tweens (preteens caught between childhood and adolescence) about to enter middle school.

New middle schoolers are taking on both more freedom and more responsibility. At the same time, they are undergoing tremendous emotional, social and physical changes. In fact the fastest and most dramatic change of life occurs when a child enters puberty. Aging happens slowly, but puberty comes on with such suddenness that it often catches preteens and parents unaware. In just a few months, your son or daughter is a child no longer, and you will be searching for answers to the familiar question, "Where did my baby go?"

Children do not all mature at the same rate. While most will experience dramatic changes in their middle school years, early bloomers may start seeing changes as early as 8 or 9 years of age.

Middle schoolers will begin to push themselves out of the family nest. Parents have the power to make their transition easier as well as less painful and risky. Here's how:

• Get informed. If you know what to expect, it won't take you by surprise. Excellent books, classes and educational materials for preteens and parents are available. Understanding the physical and psychological stages of puberty will make it much easier to deal with the changes occurring in your son or daughter.
  
  
• Always keep the lines of communication open. When kids are kids, you can ask them how things are going anytime and anywhere. But tweens don't want to share their lives with everyone in earshot. Instead, set up private times when the two of you are alone and can talk about issues like school, friends and sex. Even if they refuse to talk, respect that. Try saying "I'll be here when you feel like talking" instead of "Why don't you ever talk to me anymore?"
  
  
• Get all adults on the same page. If you and your spouse (or grandparents) are present at home, it's important that you share knowledge and understanding. A young person entering puberty needs consistency and clarity, not confusion and conflict. Again, knowing what to expect during puberty helps.
  
  
• Respect your child's privacy. At puberty, your son or daughter changes from a child to an emerging adult. He or she begins to develop an individual identity by creating a private space and making choices. Respect the need for separateness. Stay out of their rooms when the door is closed; don't go snooping into diaries and personal possessions when they're away.
  
  
• Stay in Tune With Their Social Set. Peers become more and more important during middle school, and social pressure can be a powerful force for impressionable tweens. However, most kids don't have the skills to do a background check on their friends or their friends' parents. They don't have the sophistication to understand about repercussions, either. If your son or daughter is encountering a situation that involves drugs, alcohol or domestic violence, take responsibility and cut the connection off. While your teen may scream at first, in time, he or she may see the wisdom of what you've done.
  
  
• Curfews are good. Studies have shown that high-risk behaviors in pre- teens and teens are more common in kids that have no or little limitations on where they go and how long they stay out. Don't be afraid to set the rules from the very beginning of the teen years. "But why, mom?" Because you care about them.

For all its trials, puberty is an exciting time. It is the first flowering of true individuality in your child. Just remember, parents -- the more you know about what is going on, the happier this tumultuous life passage will turn out for you and your child.

CONTACT: Kaiser Permanente of the Mid-Atlantic States

August 28, 2001