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The Over-Scheduled Child: Avoiding the Hyper-Parenting TrapAlvin Rosenfeld and Nicole Wisewith foreword by Dr. Robert Coles
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The Over-Scheduled Child: Avoiding the Hyper-Parenting TrapAlvin Rosenfeld and Nicole Wisewith foreword by Dr. Robert Coles
Order This Book |
Have you ever felt overextended, overworked, and overwhelmed? If so, you should read this book. Maybe your life of pressure and perpetual motion is the essence of hyper-parenting and your kids are suffering as much as your career and you are. What can you do? To start with, read this book by Dr. Rosenfeld and Ms. Wise.
This is an easy-to-read self-help book for parents of children of all ages. Be advised - it may disturb you before it makes you feel better. Whether you are pregnant or the parent of a teenager - you will undoubtedly find much of this book that speaks to you.
Wanting to provide a review of this book, and looking for answers, in my own life, I picked up this book with great enthusiasm. Talk about shaking a woman up, this book started me worrying about whether my children could feel that I have no time for them in spite of the fact that I attend every school event, recital, practice, and game. I started wondering if I cuddle them enough, listen enough, and tell them I love them enough.
I had to admit I might be a hyper-parent and my children might be overscheduled, but I am not as bad as others are, am I? After all, I don't resent the time I spend with my children, do I? I do not micro-manage their lives, do I? After all, my kids only play one organized sport, which helps them use their bodies and exercise, teaches commitment, teamwork, and social skills, which is OK, right? But what if they are learning that with effort and lots of practice, they can master a skill as well as internalizing a sense of inadequacy, that without that skill they are not worthwhile?
After reading this book, I am left with some questions: 1) Where is the line between becoming a better human and feeling like you can never be good enough? 2) How much exposure to different activities is reasonable to help a child find "their passion" versus creating monster children who get involved with drugs, and never can succeed. 3) What is success? 4) Exactly how do I let kids find their own path? I am not saying that having these questions is bad, just that I have to deal with them, which actually might suggest this is a book everyone should read, but be prepared!
Rosenfeld and Wise suggest I will find answers to my questions by choosing between being highly paid or being a good parent; having money or cherishing my children; being important or having relatives who adore me - but the choices are unrealistic. I need help balancing my desire to have a successful career and be a good parent. I get tired if the choice being "them or me" - I want help finding ways to keep "togetherness" in my relationship, find time to exercise each day, and participate in my child's life in a healthy, loving way.
The answer from Rosenfeld and Wise is to suggest that as parents, we learn to communicate in different ways and not sacrifice our own needs. They also suggest we "live in the moment" and appreciate the sensations of each activity - if we can slow down enough. Every once in a while they seem to be suggesting that we go back in time - to the "simpler times" but I know they are just forgetting those times had trouble, too. Another suggestion is that we regularly schedule a day to do nothing with our families. I was disappointed that they did not advocate turning off the TV and stopping the Nintendo instead of limiting outside activities.
Maybe I missed other good suggestions - I was too wrapped up in noticing that my well-ordered life might really be a mess. I may have lost touch with the person I wanted to be, and I still feel guilty for not being a better parent, not devoting enough time to my career, not sleeping enough, not eating better, and not exercising more.
Maybe I will feel better if I take some time to reflect on the meaning of my life. I will practice saying "I am so lucky, I have so much, I am blessed," and maybe that will be enough. If not, I hope many more parents in my community read this book so I have someone to talk with!
-- Nancy L. Brown, Ph.D.headed the child psychiatry training program at Stanford. Currently, he divides his time between private practices in New York City and Greenwich, Connecticut. Dr. Rosenfeld has written four books and over seventy articles on issues such as child abuse, foster care, and psychotherapy. He lives with his wife, a pediatrician, and their three children in Stamford, Connecticut.
Nicole Wise is an award-winning freelance journalist who has written about family life for more than a decade. Her work has been featured in a wide range of national and international publications, including Parents, The New York Times, Redbook and Cosmopolitan. Wise also lives in Stamform with her family.
Robert Coles, M.D., a researcher and professor of pschiatry at Harvard and a Pulitzer Prize winner, has written numerous books and articles on the intellectual and spiritual lives of children.