Children With Disabilities: Understanding Sibling Issues

Family Stress Factors

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National Information Center
for Children and Youth with Disabilities

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The birth of a child with a disability, or the discovery that a child has a disability, can produce stress among family members. Stress can also be caused by a number of ongoing factors, or by special circumstances. Siblings need an explanation for the tensions within the family and the cause of the tensions.

Some families are stressed by the amount of financial resources required to meet the needs of the child who has a disability. Some parents may expect nondisabled siblings to accept the brother or sister with a disability as "normal." This expectation can lead to internalized feelings of anxiety and jealousy which the nondisabled sibling may be reluctant to voice. The parents, in turn, may fail to recognize the child's unhappiness and may deny that a problem exists.

During an interview with the Parent Advocacy Coalition for Educational Rights Center, Inc. (PACER), Beth, a young sibling, offered parents some sage advice:

"I think... I'd want them to understand that sometimes siblings are going to get jealous of the extra help and attention that a brother or sister who's handicapped receives. Parents shouldn't get mad about the jealousy or make the kids without a handicap feel too guilty about it if sometimes they resent the extra attention. Parents have to sit down and talk to the brothers and sisters who are nonhandicapped about what the handicap really means. Kids don't automatically understand it by themselves" (Binkard, 1987, p.5).

Nondisabled siblings may feel obligated to compensate for the child with the disability, to make up for that child's limitations. They may be acting as a surrogate parent, assuming more responsibility than would be usual in the care of a nondisabled sibling. On the other hand, siblings may help the family by providing their parents with assistance and support, which they otherwise might not have, in the care of the child with a disability. The nondisabled child may experience jealousy because he or she may be required to do family chores, whereas, the sibling with a disability is not required to do them -- despite the fact that the sibling with a disability may be unable to do them, or would have great difficulty doing them. The nondisabled sibling may resent having to integrate the sibling with a disability into the neighborhood peer group, and may experience or perceive peer rejection because of having a sibling with a disability. Finally, the nondisabled sibling may feel embarrassment because of a sibling's physical characteristics or inappropriate behavior. Essentially, parents, other adult family members, and professionals should realize that nondisabled siblings need special understanding, attention, support and recognition of their unique contributions to the family system (Powell & Ogle, 1985).

Siblings with disabilities, on the other hand, also experience stress as family members. These common stresses include frustration at not being able to make themselves understood; unhappiness at being left to play alone; irritation over constant reminders about everything; withdrawal because of lack of social skills; low self-esteem; and anger resulting from an inability to do things as easily and quickly as their nondisabled brothers and sisters. Through it all, with understanding and support, there are usually many positive interactions and normal sibling give-and-take situations from which each learns and matures.

When parents have a double standard for disabled and nondisabled children, conflicts can arise. Even though the child with the disability, in fact, may need and receive more parental attention, the amount given may be perceived as unfair by nondisabled siblings. Some parents, on the other hand, may tend to overindulge the normal sibling in an effort to compensate for a brother or sister with a disability. The normal rivalry between all siblings may cause the nondisabled sibling to perceive incorrectly that the parents favor or love best the sibling with a disability. Mary expressed the resentment she feels when her brother is dealt with lightly in comparison to her punishments:

"Nonhandicapped kids can get pushed aside when their brothers or sisters have handicaps. Andrew seems to get help naturally --it's like attention to his needs is "built into the system." I'm the bad one, but he can do no wrong. He makes all the messes, but I get into trouble if I don't empty the dishwasher." (Binkard, 1987, p.10)

The Importance of Information

Unlike their parents, siblings may have no knowledge of life without a brother or sister with a disability (Featherstone, 1980). McKeever (1983) tells us that siblings generally are poorly informed about disabilities. Yet siblings' needs for information may be as great, or greater than those of parents, because of their identification with their brother or sister with a disability. It is important to bear in mind that they have limited life experiences to assist them in putting a disability into perspective (Featherstone, 1980). Parents should respect the nondisabled siblings' need to be recognized as an individual who has concerns and questions as well as his or her right to know about the disability. Nondisabled siblings may require information throughout their lives in a manner and form appropriate to their maturity.

For many siblings, anxiety-producing feelings often are not expressed in day-to-day family interactions and discussions, and are shared even less at school. These internalized feelings complicate sibling relationships, for children need to vent their emotions. Children should be given an explanation for their sibling's problems so that they will not make incorrect assumptions.

Parents and professionals need to be aware that there may be a gap between the nondisabled sibling's knowledge and actions. A nondisabled sibling may be able to rationally explain a brother's or sister's disability to inquiring friends or neighbors, but may still exhibit temper tantrums over the same sibling's actions in the home.

Most importantly, the need for information and understanding does not have to be addressed solely by the parents. A child's disability is a concern which should be shared by parents, helping professionals, and society. For example, some progressive clinics and hospitals have designed programs that include siblings from the beginning. These programs offer Family Support Groups which bring entire families together as a means of sharing information and mutual support.

It is important for educators to be sensitive to nondisabled siblings' feelings and needs. Educators can do much to promote positive sibling interactions as well as acceptance of disabilities in all children. During the school years, especially the early years, teachers can help to promote sibling awareness and interaction by providing opportunities for siblings to learn about disabilities. For example, conducting a "sibling day" or a sibling workshop can be an excellent way of introducing siblings to a variety of disabilities. A "sibling day" can be held on a school day or on a weekend.

On this day, activities can include a presentation by "Kids on the Block," ability simulation games, sign language instruction, and sharing positive experiences about having a sibling with a disability. Siblings who are not disabled might be interested in seeing and/or participating in some of the unique activities in which their brothers or sisters with disabilities participate while in school. For example, siblings of students with orthopedic impairments might see a physical therapy room and go through activities a student might perform in physical therapy. Siblings of students with hearing impairments might learn a song or poem in sign language.

Information puts fears into perspective. In most instances, simply knowing the facts about a disability or chronic illness takes away the sting of embarrassment, as well as uncertainty and fear. While embarrassment can and does occur in many situations over the years, knowledge can help one cope.

Ask parent groups, social workers, therapists, doctors, teachers, or counselors about the availability of support groups and other sibling resources in your area.

The Impact On a Sibling With a Disability or Chronic Illness

Most of the sibling research has focused on the effects of a child with a disability or chronic illness on nondisabled siblings. Also important is the influence of the nondisabled sibling on the child with a disability or chronic illness. Crnic and Leconte (1986) report that the nondisabled sibling's impact upon the child with a disability may vary across the family's life. While very little work has been done in this area, researchers do stress the reciprocity of sibling relationships.